someone threw a dead crab at me
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
