Four minutes until I can fart!
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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