I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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