I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
