my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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