I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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