doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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