I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
