need another drink. this is the easiest way
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Randomize
