I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
