I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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