I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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