I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
