Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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