Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
