You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
