Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
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