I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
