I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
