Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
where are you?
Hypothermia
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
