so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
time to smoke my breakfast
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
