I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
