Me. At least after what I've been through.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
