Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
