i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
