that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
