I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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