I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
