I'm gonna have a badass scar
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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