Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
