the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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