There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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