The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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