so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
