what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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