I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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