I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
