I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
