Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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