She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
