i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
