How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
