she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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