I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
In other news, I just burned my penis
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
