She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I believe in your delicious
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
