Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
