i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
