You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
