Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
