I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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