My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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