woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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