I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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