Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
